


Eternal Sunshine

by Milkyaloe



Category: No Fandom
Genre: F/F, Trigger Warning: Cuts and Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2019-09-24 14:26:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17102294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milkyaloe/pseuds/Milkyaloe
Summary: This is about me





	1. Love

Love has never been my strong suit. It was always a nice subject to think and talk about, but now, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to process that someone can love with their entire being and be unaffected.  
Well, maybe not unaffected, but not having to worry. The indisputable love between partners is wonderful. 

 

But I don’t know if I can love like that. I want to. I just don’t know how to.


	2. Thoughts

Maybe I’m to young to understand love. I’m a freshman in highschool. But I’ve read stories about love. Each story, no matter how stupid or sad it was, was beautiful.  
I never liked reading sad stories.  
Maybe this is too sappy but that’s how I’m feeling right now. Sappy. I read this story about a boy who fell in love with another boy and described him as a ray of sunshine. And another story where the boy said the person he liked had a smile that shined brighter than the sun.   
I think I want something like that. Something that gives me those sappy thoughts and happy feeling in my stomach. I’m pretty sure I’ve had those thoughts before but I can’t remember. I’m kind of scared I won’t fall in love.  
Maybe I will. I hope I will. However, I can’t seem to care what the gender of that person will be. I’ve thought I was bisexual for the longest time. I tried to come out to my mom one time but it didn’t go well. She made me feel kind of shitty. She said she didn’t think it was appropriate and that I couldn’t have sleepovers anymore. I don’t think she’s homophobic but maybe.   
Maybe she is. Maybe she isn’t. I hope not. Because I really liked this girl, and I still do. I thought she was beautiful and that her smile was gorgeous. I found my self wondering how she would react if I told her I liked her. I don’t think she’d be grossed out because she has two moms. Who are married.  
I wonder what would have happened if we had gotten closer. I wanted to. I really wanted to make a stronger connection with her but we drifted apart. We see each other more often now.


	3. Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m pretty sure I like someone

Right now I’m lying in my bed and writing this “story”. I think I just have to get it out somewhere. Anyways.  
There’s this girl at my school. She’s taller than me and   
I can barely explain her. She’s just amazing. What I know for sure is that I love her hugs. Her smile is so cute. When she laughs it’s so nice.

I think I’m just going to make this my personal diary. Because I don’t think my mom will find it. But that’s wishful thinking. If she does then she does. 

Back to the girl. She has dark brown hair, brown eyes, and freckles. God her freckles are so cute. We played volleyball together so you can imagine how close we were. I really hope we hang out over the break. Maybe I’ll ask her to go somewhere with me.   
I wonder how my friends would react if I told them I was bisexual. We haven’t talked about gay stuff but I’m still scared. It’s like, we sit together at lunch everyday but we’re still not that close. It’s scary. I wonder how she’d react. I think I’d cry if they decided to not be my friends anymore. 

There’s another girl. I can’t really describe how she makes me feel. But I like being around her and seeing her smile. I like hugging her. She’s smaller than me so she fits in my arms. We were changing and she said she liked my underwear. I said, thanks, I like them too. 

 

I can’t belive I said that. It was so awkward. Well in the moment it wasn’t, but reflecting on it, it’s pretty awkward. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be angry or disgusted with me if I told her I was bisexual. Mostly because she’s gay. Or she said she was. But then someone said she had a boyfriend so maybe she’s bisexual.  
But I don’t want to flirt or come onto someone who’s taken. That’s just fucked up. I just hope she’s happy. But I don’t think she is. She cuts. I’ve seen her scars.  
She takes all sorts of pills but I don’t want her to think that I think any less of her. Because I don’t. I would never. I think she’s fucking strong. 

She still comes to school and is so smart even though she could feel like the world is crushing her. That takes courage. And I admire that.


	4. Guess I’m back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow.

Shit guys. It’s been a while I guess. I’m thinking about the previous chapters and holy hell was I being kinda cringy. But it’s ok I think.

I think ive figured out my sexuality better. I am definitely bisexual and I’m pretty sure I have a crush on this one girl. And spoiler alert. We kissed? And we kind of sort of maybe touched each other? Not in the private area but. Yeah. Anyways.

We cuddled and spooned and I’ve slept over at her house multiple times and each time we’ve fell asleep holding each other and it’s so goddamn good. This one time I was wearing a tank top and she was lying on the side of my chest and I could feel her breathe and it was so warm and I felt her kiss my neck. And holy shit it felt so nice. I just want to understand these feelings better.

All I know right now is that I like kissing her and touching her. And I’m pretty sure she likes doing those things with me as well.

And guys? She’s the one I talked about in the previous chapter. Everything I’ve said still applies. And she’s pansexual by the way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this might become a Thing.


	5. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have friends now
> 
> Also, possible TRIGGER WARNING: mention of panic attack and cutting  
> (The writing is under the cut)

Holy mother fucking shit my guys. I have friends now. And they’re awesome!!! 

I never thought I could have friends like this and care so deeply about them. It’s a lot to take in I guess because I know they care about me too. And I’ve come out to them. Turns out, most of them are LGBT+ too. 

And we’ve had sleepovers and group meetings and it’s so fun. 

A couple years ago I thought this wouldn’t be possible. 

-

I was in a dark place at the time. I thought I was unlovable and that I would never have people who loved me. And I wanted to hurt myself because of it. It was so dark in my room and all I could hear was the sounds of my ragged breath. And I just thought. I want to die. So I got out a razor and I just held it to my skin. And I wanted to cut myself so badly. And I pressed down on my arm and it hurt. So I stopped. I couldn’t believe I was about to do that. 

And I kept that inside my mind for years until I finally told my mother. I cried as I said it because I thought she’d  hate me. But she didn’t say anything about it.

-

But I’m in a better place now. I know that my friends love me and I love them back, even if they’re shitheads sometimes. 


End file.
